Every once in a while I feel down. I feel sad and angry and desperate and frustrated. Usually I watch some comedy movie or a sitcom to calm myself; If that doesn’t work I listen to some music. I have a few playlists for these situations and if my usual playlists don’t work i listen to Tool. Sometimes even that doesn’t work . If that happens I write.
This is one of those times. Everything in the world just seems wrong. I ask myself why people of the world are so illogical and irrational? Why can’t they see the reality for what it is? why is everyone so concerned with themselves? I’m sick of all these ulterior motifs .
And then there are things that i can’t figure out. Problems that i cannot solve and nobody else seems to have an answer either. And sometimes it bothers me because some issues are extremely important and yet deeply neglected.
Another thought that’s been bothering me is something that I heard in a louis C.K. show on you tube. He said that most people usually just enjoy the idea of being a good person rather than really acting like a good person. the more I thought about it the more it seemed to be true. Specially after what happened last night.
It was night time and I needed to transfer some money so I went to the ATM machine nearby. There was a man in the alley moaning something out loud and walking slowly. He was hunched and as I walked past him I could feel his desperation. It was dark and I couldn’t really see him and I didn’t pay much attention . As I was coming back I could still hear his voice, moaning something and I couldn’t make out what it was; I went inside and into my room which has a window to the alley . after a few minutes I realized his voice is not fading. I looked at the window and saw him sitting on the ground with his back to a car nearby and still moaning the same thing. Now I had to know what he was saying, I listened more closely and i realized he was moaning over and over again “I’m troubled” . Its not an exact translation of what he was saying. The word he was using could mean “desperately incapable of solving the problems of my life”. I felt bad . And I thought about going outside and helping him. I could give him some money or food or provide him with some company and comfort. Guess what? I didn’t . And neither did anybody else. And I realized even though the idea of being a good person plays around in everyone’s mind we barely ever do it because we care about ourselves more that anything else. And that primal instinct is what keeps humanity from achieving universal peace. This is what keeps us from ending hunger and poverty . This is what keeps us from improving our lives as a species.
I’m tired . I dream about making the world a better place . I talk the big talk but I don’t even know how to improve my own morality so when I see the opportunity to help someone I do just that rather than thinking about what I would lose if I contribute.
Sometimes I have this nightmarish thought that i’m old and years have passed but the world is exactly on the same path as today only with different gadgets.